The Olsen twins were a household name because they were trained by handlers to utter the phrases “you got it, dude!” “no way, jose!” and a signature butt shake dance that caused the multi-cameras to often zoom in on the toddler’s behind. Using twins to play an infant on a show was not uncommon; having these twins continue to play the same role was uncommon. Many shows suffered from the “Andy Keaton” syndrome, where the birth of a baby in one season produced a walking, talking four year old the next season.
But not Full House– they had cash cows on their hands. Michelle was a highlight of the show, and I am not sure why, she was neither attractive, charismatic, or talented. I know, I know, this is mean to say of a child but come on, Full House was a hit show, they had the resources to go out and find a more appealing kid actor to exploit. However, by the time the show was canceled, the Olsen twins were only seven years old, with a whole life of exploiting ahead of them, and their mananger/captive squeezed as much dough out of them, having them record music in their tone-deaf voices, creating cute movies for them where they pulled twin shenanigans to get their parents back together, to win the soccer game, or to solve the neighborhood mystery of the dog poop.
Somehow, when puberty hit, so did their desire to take control of their own careers and projects. Okay, so good for them for taking ownership of their own lives, calling the shots and doing the projects they want to do. But the not so great: they wrote and produced their own projects. And they were about just as garbage as two fourteen year-olds would write.
Dualstar production company was created (get it? Cuz they’re twins?) and the twins were free to create their own movies. And thus the world is changed forever.
Wish fulfillment is the basis of most entertainment. We want to be there with a character when amazing things happen to them to experience them so we can live vicariously. Thus the success of Harry Potter and basically every romance novel ever created. The problem with the Olsen twins is that they seem to not comprehend that there was a difference between these things happening to their characters and not to them specifically. So what’s the difference, you may be asking yourself, if you are an adult reading a longread about Olsen twin movies from the early 2000s. As an adult, I am sure when you watch something aimed at kids, you may think “it’s not for me, I’m an adult” but we can all recognize what is good and what is not.
Olsen twins movies are so bad they are insulting to the digital video they are recorded. It’s insulting to the human language. It’s insulting to existence.
Their “characters”, if even calling it that, get rewarded with praise, adulation, cute boys, cute clothes, fashion designing success, hanging with royalty without anyone earning it. When we read stories, we want good things to happen to characters we like, work hard, or are generally good people. The good things come to the Olsen twins because they are them. There is no lesson or implications to be learned by the girls (or this thirty year old woman) watching it. We don’t learn anything about the characters, because we don’t need to. It’s just reading off their wishlist of cool things that can happen. Not everything needs to have a morality or girl power! Message, but this shit is just ridiculous. It’s like white processed flour for the mind. It’s technically bad on a cinematic level, but I’d almost prefer it to have a BAD message than a nothing message. At least that would show some effort.
The twins have prided themselves on saying that they have written and produced all their own movies. Which, I can actually believe after seeing the astounding garbage they have produced. There’s suspension of disbelief, and then there’s seeing the laughable way some not-too-bright girls see the world.
Holiday in the Sun begins with twin tweens named Riley and Chloe (because omg, those are such cool names) at school. But only for five seconds because they are called out of school by their parents, who are whisking them away on their private jet to a resort in the Caribbean. Because yea, that would be pretty cool, but…what? They arrive at the resort, already going through three outfit changes and meet the family they are vacationing with. The guy, let’s call him Jim because who cares, is obviously in love with Chloe. There’s another surprise! The twins get their own hotel room. At this point, why don’t the parents just buy them the whole fucking island. This gets into squabbling about curfew, and then there’s some sort of massive teen nightclub at the hotel with a girl group doing a full on choreographed concert, and as soon as the twins walk in, Riley attracts the cute aquatics guy who works at the resort (but he’s only fourteen? I don’t know) and he instantly is into her because, it’s her fucking movie, people. Cut to montage of the twins gallivanting in the resort in their bikinis, swimming with dolphins with the boys in montages used to show how much the boys are into them. It’s a montage with some royalty-free music, laughing and playing; we don’t even see why these kids like each other.
Speaking of montages, there’s an embarrassing montage of the adults on the water slides. I can’t even imagine being one of the adult actors on this film and having to answer to these two brats and having to read the heinous lines. There’s some intrigue about stolen artifacts and a boat, but I won’t even get into that. Worth mentioning is that a young Megan Fox plays the rich bitch at the resort who hate the Olsen twins on sight and vows to fuck up their vacation. She’s laughably over the top. The Olsen twins defeat the jewel thieves, the bitchy girl, get out of punishment for missing curfew to save the day and their vacation. The even more baffling thing is that in the last scene, you hear the director yell “cut”, and the actors celebrate and clap, in some sort of Charlie Kaufman-esque meta piece. There’s some banter and more flashing of outfits and perfectly applied lip gloss. This can only serve one possible function: the Olsen twins want to further hammer home the point that their lives are so amazing that they get to make a movie, and they are as worshiped off set as they are in the movie.
Do I sound bitter? Why can’t this just be left alone as a dumb kids movie? Well, I am bitter. Bad art is bad art, and children should not be submitted to such crap. It does nothing to reinforce the things that girls want to happen to them, but shows no action/consequence that leads to it. It inspires no creativity on the “filmmakers” or actor’s part. It is a vanity project at its fullest. It’s the work of twin tweens with a trust fund from fame they got when they weren’t even conscious to even know it was happening.